Rockstar: Gary Rouses Retirement Home with New Spin on Springsteen Hit
Bruce Springsteen was considered the quintessential American hitmaker. In 1984, he released his breakout hit 'Born in the USA.' He...
Inspiring: Gary Supporters Bravely Defend Their Home From Socialist Firefighters
For too long, the authoritarian regime of firefighters has loomed over the people of this country. Their oppressive reign has held this...
Gary Doesn't See What the Big Deal with "Seat belts" Is
In a recent interview with up and coming reporter Lerman Pernescum, Gary described his disinterest in wearing "bungee cords but for...
Confirmed: Gary's Favorite Sport is "Definitely" Laser Tag
Recently there was a viral photo of Gary stealthily exiting one of the premier laser tag arenas in New Mexico, and the world didn't know...
Enthralling: Gary Johnson only Eats the O's in Alphabet Soup
While at his local PF Changs Gary made a statement. "I only eat the o's in alphabet soup. I don't eat the a's cause they look like...
Shocking: Johnson Claims Chocolate Milk "Doesn't Actually Come From Chocolate Cows"
Recently the deep-digging investigative team of Tax Free Sheep came across our main man Gary in a complete state of bewilderment. As we...
Busted! Teen Rablerousers Attempt (but fail) to Egg Gary's House
Thankfully, a heinous and illegal crime was stopped last night at Gary's New Mexico residence. His bodyguards Bruce and Willis (no...
Poetic: Gary Bestows Knighthood Upon Daytime Manager at Waffle House
After being fed 8 and 3/8th waffles at his local Waffle House Gary Johnson bestowed knighthood to the daytime manager. We reach out to...
Johnson: I Ordered Fries, Was Given A Cookie Instead
During his annual visit to Subway, Gary Johnson ordered his favorite six inch footlong along with a side of fries. However, Gary– along...
Worrying: Does Gary not know what birds are?
In a chain of leaked emails between Gary and his campaign manager, Gary hints at the fact that he doesn't know what birds are. This is...
