Confession: I Don't Actually Know What Taxes Are...
It's time I came clean, America. For too long I've remained silent about my shortcomings as a journalist. As a reporter, you readers...
Not Again.... Gary Got His Finger Stuck in His Drink Lid.
Tragedy struck today when Gary got too adventurous during his yearly exodus to McDonalds. It seems that once again, Gary has had to...
Gary's Hands are Stuck in Pringles Cans
While eating his favorite salty snack Gary Johnson made a fatal error. In an attempt to obtain the last few crispy Pringles chips, Gary...
Gary Johnson Kicked Out of Best Western
Where will Gary sleep now? Gary Johnson was kicked out of his local Best Western after a supposed "feet incident". Gary gallantly swung...
Recently Revived Man Demands to be "Re-Coma'd" After Learning About Gary's Loss
Chaos erupted in the Albuquerque Coma Ward when Bory McTickler, age 58, commanded the doctors to "put him back". This bizarre spectacle...
Gary Johnson Doesn't have Any Hanes Socks
How will Gary dress now? In shocking twist of events Gary learned that there are no more Hanes socks in his sock drawer. Lacking clean,...
BREAKING NEWS: Taxes still exist.
Early this morning, our nation was struck with tragedy as it was discovered that taxes were indeed, still a thing that exists. "This...
Gary Johnson Outta Bush's Best Baked Beans
No Beans???
Oh no! Gary Forgot that He Ran for President Again...
In a shocking turn of events this weekend, Gary phoned some of his associates to discuss his "new plan". As he began to explain his idea...
Whatever America, It's Not Like Gary Even Wanted the Presidency...
After striking claims regarding Gary's "pathetic loss", we've been forced to speak up. Newsflash, voters. Gary didn't actually want to...
