Bert Kreischer's Life is Problematic

Comedian and known dog lover Bert Kreischer lives a very problematic life. Everywhere he goes he causes distress, discomfort, and suffering. Grown men have been seen weeping and gaging as he enters a room. How can one man cause such harm? Bert Kreisher smells bad.

Bert’s smell is a mixture of fermented man and rotten eggs. While a normal person would be ashamed of their foul odor Bert takes pride in it. During a podcast with noted Water Champ, Tom Segura Bert proudly states he didn't bathe that day.

Bert's pungent odor has become such a problem he can no longer perform at clubs. The rooms are simply too small to handle his odor. His stench becomes life-threatening to guests. To remedy this Bert will be doing several shows in drive-in theaters. The outdoor spaces allow for his musk to safely dissipate before reaching fans. However, some states have banned Bert outright to protect their citizens. Minnesota Governor Tim Walz signed an executive order banning Bert Kreischer.

In a press conference, Walz stated, "Bert Kreisher’s smell has become a danger to all Minnesotans. As Governor I have banned Bert Kreisher from the state until he takes a real shower. Not some pool bath bullshit but a real shower in a bathroom."