"This country has been behind for far too long": Inside Gary's Plan to Get Kids Smokin
In a monumental speech delivered from his Aztek into the Burger King drive-thru window, Gary has outlined his long awaited plan to put...
Gary Johnson Wrote a Sonnet for Jeb Bush
Oh Jeb Oh Jeb your sanguine smile is light. Your bona fide heart warms the people’s soul. With comely grey hair that shimmers so bright....
BREAKING NEWS: Gary Lost His Keys.
In a recent turn of events, Gary appears to have misplaced his car keys. "I swear I just had them..." claimed Gary, according to...
A Concerning Trend: Gary's Fake Heart Attacks Down 26% Since Election Day
Bad news America, according to recent figures, Gary's been having fewer fake cardiac arrests than ever. Some doctors speculate that this...
Gary and Jeb are Sieging a Bass Pro Shop
The sounds of trebuchets (the superior siege weapon) echoed all around a local Bass Pro Shop. Outside the store around 28 LARPers and 3...
BREAKING: Gary Recovering From Case of the 'Springbreakers'
Springbreakers, a serious post spring vacation virus, has caught Gary. The view last week was clear though. Gary on a beach. That was...
Gary and Jeb are Investing in Studs
Gary Johnson and Jeb Bush are shaking up the crypto market. These titans of industry are introducing their own crypto... Lego studs. They...
Gary Pledges to Fix Unemployment Among 6-12 Year Olds
Finally, someone is here to speak out against the real issues. In an impromptu speech while waiting in line for a Cinnabon, Gary made a...
Gary and Jeb are Stockpiling WarHeads
In a Shocking turn of events, US intelligence agencies have confirmed that Gary Johnson and Jeb Bush are secretly stockpiling WarHeads....
Gary Johnson Helps Free Jeb Bush's Hand from a Toaster
While making their favorite Lego Eggo Waffles a horrible incident occurred. Jeb's hand got stuck in the toaster. Gary and Jeb will work...
