Revolutionizing the Industry: Gary's plan for privatized garbage disposal
In a quiet suburb of Bennington, Vermont, homeowners were surprised and disturbed when they heard a man yelling in the street while flailing "exceedingly full bags of garbage". The man, Gary Johnson, reportedly began his glorious speech around 1 PM last Thursday, leaving many children and stay-at-home parents afraid to leave their homes. While he was spouting mostly belligerent nonsense, one piece we were able to make out was: "Throw off your chains! Join the trash revolution!"
Eventually, when he had apparently tired himself out, we were able to get close enough to ask a few questions.
TFS: "Mr. Johnson! What is the 'trash revolution'?"
GJ: "I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, JIM." (my name is not Jim) "THE TRASH REVOLUTION MARKS MY LATEST AND GREATEST CAMPAIGN TO END OUR DEPENDENCE ON BIG GOVERNMENT."
Mr. Johnson continued to yell throughout the interview, despite no other noise being present. Shortly after the interview began, he went back to blindly swinging his trash bags around. This happened several times during our time with Gary, forcing us to wait long periods between questions while he got himself dizzy.
TFS: "What's this all about, Gary? Why Vermont?"
GJ: "I'M TRYING TO KILL THE SERPENT OF "BIG GARBAGE", JIM. MY PROGRAM IS ALL ABOUT GETTING TRASH OUT OF THE GOVERNMENT'S HANDS, AND BACK WHERE IT BELONGS: IN MY HANDS."
From what we could gather, Gary's "campaign" consists of him stealing garbage from peoples' homes, and then hoarding it all in his 2004 Pontiac Aztek. He believes that the trash service is doing something diabolical with our waste, and he intends to cut off their supply for the betterment of mankind.
"THINK ABOUT IT, JIM. WHO NEEDS THAT MUCH TRASH? I'VE BEEN HERE FOR A WEEK AND I'VE ALREADY GOT MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. AND THEY GET EVERYONE'S TRASH, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO FIGHT RACCOONS FOR IT LIKE ME."
Gary will continue his crusade against the waste disposal industry for the forseeable future, or until the neighborhood stops tolerating his behavior.
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